Thursday, July 28, 2005
i'm frightened.. i dunno y.. wad's happening.. bt i starting to get restless.. wad's happening? wad's.. going on? i dunno.. i'm lost.. whr am i? y am i lost? i'm scared.. scared.. is tis it? the mask? mask of denial? Mask tt i have thrown away.. so long ago.. thr it is.. lying thr.. still thr after so long.. y is it on my face? y am i wearing it again? y.. i struggled hard.. it wun budge.. is tis it? the feeling of exploding? or drying up? it's so long.. i just dun noe anymore.. tears rose dwn tis cold mask.. all the memories.. dun look back! one said.. y? y is tt so? y am i living in denial?
Y AFTER ALL TIS TIME I'M STILL LIVING IN DENIAL!!! I WANNA CHANGE! I REALLI DO! BT I CAN'T HELP IT! THE CHAINS R JUST PULLING ME BACK! I CAN'T MOVE ON! I FEEL I CAN'T CATCH HIM ANYMORE! DENIAL HAS BECOME A PART OF ME.. DECEIVING MYSELF AS I WALK..
is tis an act of self pity? is tis wad i'm doing just to get sth? i dunno.. i dunno anymore.. i dun wanna live lyk tt anymore.. nt wif tis life of denial.. i noe i ain't gg nowhr.. i'm stuck.. stuck wif self-conscious, denial, and self pity.. i ain't the same. bt a part of me.. hiddin.. waiting to get out.. here is the chance.. as i fail myself time to time.. breaking wad has formed me.. all of tt.. life is a struggle.. y? bcos u ain't living it rite.. i ain't living it rite.. tt's y i'm here.. oh Heavenly Father.. hear my cry.. i ain't feeling u anymore.. i ain't pressing on.. i'm slipping away.. my life has become my act.. y? i'm nt wad i am.. wad i am is just wad pple want me to be.. and it has become an act for me.. is tis backsliding? i dunno.. i dun wanna go back to the past.. bt now is horrid.. to live in ur presence and commit such sins r just too hard to bear.. cos i luv U too much.. i dun wanna lie to u anymore.. I'm scared oh Lord.. tt u will nv take me back to ur arms.. after wad i have done.. is tis an act too? i dunno.. tis thinking is immature.. bt.. wad is reality? wad? i dun realli noe anymore.. torn in the middle.. searching myself as i walk.. for it is nt wad i perceive myself.. wad do i perceive myself? i no longer noe.. tis body of mine.. it's just working.. my soul.. just ain't thr no more.. i feel myself dropping deeper and deeper.. i dunno anymore..
I'm lyk the Israelites.. even though u save me.. i still sin against u oh Father.. bt everytime i tink u will still take me back.. bt it ain't true.. will u leave in me the wilderness to DIE? for i sinned against u time to time? will i eva c the Promised Land? Am i worthy of such part? i dunno.. my faith in u is still thr.. bt it's disminishing day by day.. Pressing in.............................................................................................................................
Jed walked through the seasons at